A Note to Nooooooorton

My computer was idling in desktop mode when a message sqare appeared in the lower right of the screen. It read:

Norton is currently performing background tasks.If you’re the asute practitioner of the language I hope you are, something, one word. SCREAMS “REDUNDANT!” to me. To you too?

 

Do you know what the third-person present singular tense of the infinitive “to be” is? Ninety percent of the time when you encounter “is” in text or monologue, it means is. The exception, which accompanies a change is infinitive from is the future tense.  Jack is working hard.  Jack is going to be resting soon.

Encountering “Jack is ‘currently’ working hard.” is fart un-neccessary. It is redundant, meaning of course that it is redundant NOW. Who the fring-frang needs a dead word that contributes ZILCH?

YOU knew what I was saying with “Jack is working hard.” What the hey does Norton mean with “currently?” What additional understanding do we reap from Norton’s excessive exposition? If you know, please tell me.
I want to know.

Those Pathetic Possessives and Random Upper Cases

The sign encountered by visitors approaching the Police Academy classroom building is a wonderful sign. Its dark wood finish with letters etched into the wood contrast harmoniously in yellow, probably produced by the same skilled sign makers whose good work also shines at the parks and other facilities throughout the city.  If you graduated from high school, as I have, there’s likely only one aspect to the Police Academy sign that will strike you as inconsistent with standard (some would suggest “correct”) language use.

FIREARM’S
TRAINING UNIT’S

There’s no one to talk to about this abberation. The ladies and gentlement who teach and train there probably don’t give it a second thought. Show me how correct use of the possessive apostrophies will ensure the safety of those in the streets, and I will hold them accountable. It doesn’t matter to them. It SHOULD, just a little, but my guess is that white chalk on a black slate with miss-spelled words would be okay as long as they understand the general idea.

For all I know, the possessive use of the apostrophy may not be the idea, It could be intended to “signify” more than one firearm and training unit.

The inconsistency of standard text. In a PowerPoint presentation about sexual predators on computers, the simple word “children” was presented two ways.
example 1: “Only 25% of our children will tell a parent….”
example 2: “Only 1/3 of households protect their Children….”
If I’m missing a subtlety of context here that warrants upper case in example 2, please enlighten me. Here’s another:”One in five kids receive unwanted Sexual solicitation online.” Do I understand the point made? Yes. Does the misappropriation of upper case bother me? Yes. It should bother you as well.

A high school senior would have caught the inconsistency and flawed upper case usage of the word. Why didn’t the person in charge of producing the PowerPoint presentation? A likely reason: Microsoft does not produce “capitalization checker” software.

If I had encountered this desecration of the printed word anywhere other than where armed personnel enforce the civil or military rules of the land, I would express disrespect for the perpetrators of the tawdry laxity. I won’t go that far here. I respect the personnel there for what they do when they’re not writing.

What a shame that the folks who produce materials for those who teach police officers from all over Sangamon County aren’t equipped to share what should be accurate and appropriate use of the language.

“A ‘Clearance’ is Not Enough” Blogtitle

A few years ago your car company could have a clearance, and that would have been perfekly okay. Those who heard your TV advert would have understood. Not so today. Why do I suggest this? The commercial I heard today tells me you don’t understand what a clearance means. That is why they talked not about a clearance, but a “clearance event.”

Everybody who doesn’t understand what an end of the year clearance is, raise your hand. You must ALL understand. Why do I suggest this? I don’t see any raised hands.

No sirree, this is not a clearance, don cha know. This is a clearance EVENT! What a load. They are feeding you more that bull; they are feeding you bull POO . . . wait wait. No they are feeding you bull poo FOOD PRODUCT. And I”m calling it food product because it isn’t real food as we have long-considered it in our dictionaries. It’s the same as the fauxcheese they put on your burger at the fast food restaurant stores. If they say cheese food product or cheesy sauce, it doesn’t have to be cheese — or for you “clearance event” mentalities, it doesn’t have to be real cheese. If I call something, disparagingly, bull poo food product, I don’t have to tell you the truth, that I believe it’s really bull poo. All I am implying wtih bull poo product is that something resembles bull poo. And if you’re “in the game,” in recognizing a fragrant metaphor when you smell one, you understand that qualifying an unpleasant substance as “product,” is really an un-necessary courtesy.

Following “clearance” with “event” doesn’t make more real something whose reality without it is in doubt. A clearance is a clearance. The commercial producers should understand this. We dnn’t need or require the redundundancy.

So clean up your act clearance event people preceding closing statement period punctuation mark.

When a Lunch is not a Meal

In the main, I’ve enjoyed Dairy Queen TV adverts until I saw one this weekend that burned me a mite. I’ve probably seen it 50 times until I was hit by a minor epiphany. Tighten your seatbelt; it may hit you too.

They advertise two double burgers for $2.22 and two double burgers with cheese for $3.33. Not a problem, and apologies if I didn’t remember the products and prices correctly. The PROBLEM is when then say words to the effect, “Choose the meal that you prefer.”

I’m not getting on my high horse here (I hope) by asking how anyone can consider two sandwiches — without a drink, without a salad or chips, without any accompaniment at all — a MEAL? An analogy might be (MATURE READERS ONLY. Children less than 12 years old, Replublican evangelistos y evangelistas, avert your eyes and skip to the start of the next paragraphico) the new aphorism I just made up that “Getting laid is not getting loved.”

Two burgers do not comprise a meal. When have you consumed anything more than a candy bar without drinking something. Have you ever sat down to fried chicken at 6 with nothing else on the table and nothing in a glass or cup or bottle? Dairy Queen is deceiving the Yamericun telethingy vuer (except moi, of course) by suggesting that if you purchase two of their burgers . . . . YOU’RE DONE! End of story. What a croc. Or as McDonald’s might say, what a (Roy) Kroc!

Do you imagine you’d be as erudite and “today” as you are if youre parents had regularly served you nothing but meat, bread, catsup and a few pickle slices on a plate? Get REAL! Wouldn’t have happened.

Two burgers do not a meal make, Dairy Queen. Clean up your act, Bucko!

Label Sunburn Concerns Me Not

For the love of Benjy, when our society becomes distracted by the uncertain integrity of suntan oil packaging when so much else threatens the world, we are in a pathetic state of affairs. Case in point, an ad for a lotion intended to prevent skin damage when playing and working outside. The announcer was fine, the photography was fine before the 60 spot crashed and burned because of something I consider almost irrelevant if relevant at all.

Toward the end, the announcer urged all viewers to “read the warning about excessive sunburn on the label.”

Who cares?

The condition of the label means nothing to me. I will buy the product (maybe) and use the lotion, and if I don’t burn because of its excellent protection, call me a happy camper. The sun can shine day and night on the label, and what happens to it happens to it as far as I’m concerned. As long as the rest of the bottle holds together and doesn’t disintegrate in my backpack, what the heck does it matter what happens to the label? I may read it once. Probably not. And after that, as long as it doesn’t poison the potato salad or discolor my pup tent, the label can disappear.

If the company who advertises this product is concerned with what might happen to ME — and I’m not suggesting they’re not concerned — they should advise me to read the label warning about excessive sun exposure. As far as I’m concerned, THAT’s what it’s all about.

I’d Like to Say “This is the Title of My Blog Posting for August 10, 2008″

Ooooooooo, ooooooo, ooooooo, and ya know? I believe in my heart as a legal citizen of the united snakes of America and the second child of a married mother and legal citizen of this great kin-tree, if I really try, I will be able to do just that. Hold on . . . . .

oooo, oooo. oooo . . . . This is the Title of My Blog Post for August 10, 2008

THERE! I DI dit — dot dot dot dot

The word antic you have just read was inspired by an announcer talking on behalf of University of Illinois at Springfield whose college education (perhaps I’ma ssuming too much) should have learned him gooder than that. It started with . . . . . “We’d like to invite listeners to the Sangamon Auditorium to . . . .” whatever.

I’d like to tell you why I was irritated by that.

Oooo, oooo, oooo. . . .

I’m bothered that un-necessary lead-in. It is more of what I call “cotton mouth,” the pointless filler noise that permeates more and more and more and more of our broadcast air than benefits listeners who have mastered the fine art of walking on sidewalks (when they are present, and hardly ever when they are not present) instead of the middle of neighborhood streets.

I know. You understood what I was saying after the first “more,” didn’t you? Don’t be ashamed to admit it. There’s noting morally reprehensible if you did understand after the first “more,” and — SURPRISE! — there’s nothing morally reprehensible if you didn’t.

Cub announcer should have said, “You’re invited to. . . .” Why? To save a little breath, because it matters not a whit whether the announcer or the station keeping him in corn chips and Dr. Pepper “WANTS” to invite anybody. The point is that everyone is invited, especially UIS radio club members who buy their tickets in advance by remembering the code word when logging in.

Next time you’re feeling frisky with your loved one (some are so blessed) imagine what would happen if you said, “Sweetheart, I’d like to recommend to you that we wash the grass clippings and garden dirt off by sharing a shower together and then inflicting some new wrinkles on the satin sheets upstairs.”

Can you imagine calling the police and earnestly saying, “Hello? I’d like to say I just heard glass break in my next door neighbor’s house and that you should send over an officer to see what’s going on.” I think you could not imagine that.

Let’s remember what we want to say REALLY and say it without the cotton mouth.

NON-News Item Number 1 — Advertising Planned for MacArthur Merchants Group

Leading newscasts on Springfield, Illnoise radio station WMAY starting August 6 and continuing into the 7th is the NON-NEWS that a local merchant association will be starting a new advertising campaign. About WHAT?, you may ask. What the HEY does it matter “about what?”? It could be about three more places to purchase ferrets, for all the HEY it should matter. Any entity preparing to launch an ADVERTISING  campaign is about as newsworthy as any entity preparing to clean the public toilets. It is NOT NEWS. It is pure Springfield SCHLOCK – POO dressed up at shoe polish and suggesting something more significant than utter corn-country carnival blather.

Any information vomited into your ears that foretells an event which affects citizens in absolutely no way is not news at all. It is advertising. If the information contained in the “news” story were directed to those whose lives were affected by the letting of advertising contracts, the facts that the contract lettor and the advertising agency were about to launch the “campaign” (rah rah rah) would be news to the professional community that is focused on what agencies are doing what business, what organizations were planning increased facetime in the public sector. But to share this with the public at large is nothing but . . . . . . well, I’ve told you what it is, and it doesn’t smell any sweeter with the repetition.

The advertisements won’t even be news when they begin to run in the media (more than one medium for all 4th graders reading this yammering). Do you know what they will be, valued sports fans and athletics supporters? They will be  — read my keystrokes –  A D V E R T I S I N G.

“Now wait a minute, Homer,” you may be saying to yourself. “We’re talking about Barack and John’s advertising all the time.” I disagree. A few times the faux-news of what the candidates were getting ready to do made some “news” casts and print media. Even NPR — espashelly WUIS — has memory lapses every now and then. But mostly the candidates’ advertising makes the news not for what it says, but for what it says so unbelievably STUPIDLY and ill-advisedly.  When the MacArthur merchants advertise –> the following is an imaginary example –> VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED, PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK –> that retail merchants will offer plungers to all registered Republican voters so they can dislodge the excrement served by the denizens of The WhiteFolks House that they’ve swallowed for most of the past eight years  . . . . . THAT will be NEWS. Without a catchy hook like that, advertising will be advertising; nothing more. “Que sera sera,” what will be will be. If listeners and readers don’t react to the invidious stupidity of the merchant associations adverts, there will be no news. And therein hangs a hook.

My bet is that the advertising will be fine: solid advertising, well-written and well-produced. They belive there will be no negative reaction when it hits the air and page, so to generate additional exposure, they have to stuff a fill a wine glass full of what the cow peed into the pasture and call it “new wine.”

It isn’t new wine.  It is what it is.

Now Written in ULC

Do you know what ULC is? How about PB? TL? CS? ZM? HD? If you’re as smart as I believe most listeners to WUIS radio are, you don’t have a clue. Let me spiel it out . . . . and I’m going to do this only once, so ya bedda paeya tensheen OQAY?

ULC means upper (and) lower case, PB means patently bull, TL means tremulous litany, CS is for Carly Simon (like really, I had to tell you THAT?); ZM is zany Macarena and HD means hybrid digital . . . as in hybrid digital broadcast signal. It’s a high-tech thing.

Now that you’ve been brought UtS* with modern life in SS**, I can forgive you for not knowing all of the above listed alphabet soup but CS. She’s so vain, she prob’ly thinks this blog’s about her. The one you REALLY OTK*** is HD, but WUIS would rather throw two-letter gibberish at you instead of speaking the longhand version.

I was listening to WUIS and Karl Scroggin’s fine classical music show LAST AUGUST when station manager Bill Wheelhouse and (I believe) Rich Bradley stepped into the studio about 10:10 am and announced the station was now officially broadcasting in hybrid digital mode. It was all ultra extraordinary, and I was impressed by the upgrade. There is talent at the UIS helm.

Too bad it doesn’t extend to the lower decks of the air-faring vessel. The switch to hybrid digital was so indescribably wonderful that for the next seven months, the station went about its good business without mentioning it again. Those who have digital receivers enjoyed the improved sound and all was cool. I’m not jealous of those with digital sets. Their signal is always excellent where I live. CHEEZIS I’m “jealous” of anybody who still has the hot WATER connected! (I digress)

Along about springtime, someone at WUIS whose office is perilously close to the bilge water, got the bright idea of TELLING THE WORLD, not about hybrid digital radio, but HD radio instead. And not just once or twice in a morning or afternoon or evening or late at night in breaks from BBC NIEEEWS . . . . . . they’ve been sharing the happy tidings three or four or more times a bleeping HOUR, all de lib-long day! I almost miss their strident entreaties to attend the Bedrock concerts “brought to you by Samuel Adams (nudge nudge, wink wink, saynomoah saynomoah). Over recent MONTHS of this crypto-repetito I have heard NOT ONE reference to what the fring-frang HD MEANS! I am offended by this breach of the bilge water tank not because I don’t know what they’re talking about. PISH, Montague, I KNOW what they’re talking about and now, so do YOU. I am offended because they continue to use the ultra-kewl abbreviation for “hybrid digital” loooong before the long-hand phrase has found a place in the lexicon of John and Joan Q. Listener! HD is not “shorthand” the way BTW and ROTFL and L8R are. Given the lack of presence of the long form in WUIS broadcasting, I am confident that a large percentage of listeners don’t have a clue what the F they’re talking about. W’S is being “cute” at best — major contributors no doubt support “cute” and the gentle chortling eminating therefrom. Good for the troops you know, old boy. The public is not served by the damnably frequent references to what the public most likely does not understand. WUIS serves neither the common good or their mandate to educate as they continue without spelling “hybrid digital” out occasionally.

So clean up your act, buckos and buckettes at WUIS. And if you don’t, I guess for the rest of us, that will be simply TS.

* up to speed
** serene Springfield
*** ought to know

The Pedantry & Hyperbole of Local Wedapisen Human Being Television Media Broadcasters

I’ve gotta tell ya, I’ve been biting my typing fingers a lot lately, determined not to pick WUIS nits until I could pick a few from someone else. On the back burner was a “steeyeeew” on low heat because I didn’t want to let it boil until I added a few more ingerdients as Archie Bunker or #43 might say. Today, my pot runneth uber. The name of the wedapisen doesn’t matter because I enjoy watching them all. This isn’t about wedapisens; it’s about wedalingo.

Last night I was told “It’s going to get COLD next week, when the predicted high temperature will be 78 degrees.” My hand to God, the wedapisen said “cold” and “78 degrees” in the same breath! If any reader of this blombastic bog has ever been cold when surrounded by 78 degree air, please te’ me in the comments.

I’m no weda histerian, but from what I can tell today, there must have been a time when snow came down in showers and rain kissed the earsty thirth in flurries and blizzards. Then came a change in the nomenclature. To keep old folks from being confused, wedapisens, today, combine terms as other pedants might refer to a sleek Ford Mustang AUTOMOBILE and a nicely tailored shirt CLOTHING and field CROP of soy bean LEGUMES. Why? My guess is because if they say “tomorrow we have a 90% chance of showers” old people will consider chances are 90% that someone they know or don’t know will cleanse themselves standing up in a stall or tub with curtain drawn to keep the floor from getting wet with water (or pee) OR there’s a 90% chance of snow SHOWERS kissing the earsty thirth in frozen flakes of precipitation. For that reason it seems essential, in the interest of allaying a chance of engendering an unwarranted sense of impending good hygene, or worse, apathy to its positive merit, wedapisens must say RAIN showers!

Wedapisens please note: When you say flurries, we KNOW you’re talking about snow. When you say blizzards, we know you mean snow. When you say showers, we know you are predicting rain. It’s almost 90 degrees outside, though it may descend to a bone-chidrin — make that chillin’ — 78 degrees next week. We know you aren’t jivin’ the peeps with trash about little icy bits on July the frikking second!

One more thing. Months ago you noted the preciptation so far in 2008 was 8.2 inches, “five inches more than what it’s supposed to be.” The fact and words were yours in that order; I’m not making them up. I don’t believe you meant “more that what it’s supposed to be.” When little Yanni is out of bed and perched, unseen by the guests, in the stairway leading down to his mom’s bridge club, hearing the ladies dish the dirt at 11:30 pm, and he’s discovered by his dad, transiting from the basement rec room upstairs to hit the hay, little Yanni is not where he’s supposed to be. When the best man passes out in his noodles alfredo at the wedding reception and on revival, hurls what he’s eaten so far through his spasming throat and onto his date’s lovely lap, he is not what he’s supposed to be. When wedapisen states excess precip is not what it’s supposed to be, that is not the point at all. The POINT is that average aqua by March is three point something inches, and the current total accumulation is five inches MORE THAN AVERAGE. The average ANYTHING is NOT what it’s suposed to be. You can eat a variety of vegetables with dinner this week and still eat what you’re supposed to eat. The fact that this week you’ve consumed more corn than beets means only that you’ve averaged more corn than beets. You’ve not exceeded generally accepted parameters for recommended daily nutrition.

So clean up your act, wedapisens. Say what you mean. And if you’re being paid by the word, don’t bombast us with excessively redundant, surplus repeated repetiiton. Describe the weather better. Repetition is not better. Open up your vocabulary. Give the news to me straight, and neat.

No ice.

News Interviews’ Buffer Rhetoric: Pointless “Thankyous”

If you believe the interviews with newsmakers you hear on NPR broadcasts include all that is said between ‘er and ‘ee, think again. Many of the interviews are edited. You don’t hear “Senator Jones? This is Bob Smith at NPR National in Washington. Do you have a few minutes to talk to me about your vote on the proposed three-legged chair proposition earlier today? You do? That’s great. Sir, the tape is rolling . . . now.” and then the edited version of that interview is broadcast. You also don’t hear, after the interview, “Senator, I’d like to pass you to my producer Sara Moore, to ask you some questions about John McCain’s veterans’ education stance and the rising cost of fuel. Do you have a few minutes? . . . . Great. Thanks for talking with me, sir. Have a good day.” and then Sara reads from a prepared list, prepares tape for future stories, and all is right with the world. My point is that there is dialogue between ‘er and ‘ee that should not be making the air during newscasts. Seven words “Thank you for your time” and “You’re welcome.”

On Morning Edition today, an interviewee was thanked going into the interview and at the conclusion. It happens frequently. I am 100% for courtesy to good people who take time out from their day to be engaged by reporters. Not every newsmaker is a sure bet for that cooperation. Sometimes an ‘ee can be burned if he or she says something later determined to be controversial and inciteful of umbrage. That said, “thank you for your time, joining us, speaking with us. . . . ” and “You’re welcome, sure thing, any time, you bet, no problem, thank YOU” are pointless rhetorical extravigance that takes up seconds better spent sharing hard news.

Can you imagine Dave Bakke writing a column that way?
I spoke with the former Mitch Miller Chorus singer Siqs Pence at his home on Springfield’s near west side last Thursday. I said “Thank you Mr. Pence for permitting me to visit you today and share some of your memories.” He replied, “Your welcome, Dave. I love your column and have subscribed to the State Journal since 1933.”

No, that kind of column wouldn’t cut the mustard. Dave knows that. The fine producers at NPR should know that as well.

Clean up your act, Bucko. We know you’re couteous and professional already. Please give us more news and less buffer rhetoric.